How do you begin to unload the heaviness of your heart, the questions in your mind and the confusion in your soul?
The past few months have been the most trying time in my life.
I have gone through a lot in life and I have sailed through it, but this time I am so tired of always struggling through the storms of life.
It was hard when Mom went to be with the Lord almost eleven years ago. To be without a mother during my late teenage years was difficult. Difficult because I needed someone to guide me instead of me being the one to rear my younger siblings.
I gave up my dream of becoming a doctor because my father needed my help financially. And when things are starting to change for the better, with my two brothers finishing college and starting their careers, another blow from life.
My father is sick with an end stage renal disease and have to undergo dialysis twice a week; without it, he has no chance of surviving since his kidneys were no longer functioning. My brother, Paul, is going to donate one of his kidneys for Papa.
I don’t want to ask God why? But sometimes I can’t help myself from asking why we have to go through this trial? Isn’t it enough that Mom was already with Him. When will the challenge of life end? Why can’t we have even a little time to rest before embarking on another trial.
But my faith tells me that God will not give me anything I cannot handle, that He will not test me beyond my limit. He gave me this situation because He knew that I am ready for the battle.
I have been proud to make myself believe that I have gone through a lot in life already, because this circumstance I am right now thought me a lot. A proud person would not take wisdom because he believes he has learned everything there is to learn. And I am proud to have made myself believe I knew everything The Lord is pruning me to be the person He wanted me to be. And yes, everyday since last November, the good Lord has shown me a lot of things I took for granted.
The Lord suffices. Never was a day in my life that God failed to meet my needs. I get to appreciate this truth now. Dialysis is expensive, add to that are the iron shots and medicines, which cost a lot. Before dialysis, there are the surgeries to be performed to make the abdominal catheter, subclavian catheter, jugular catheter and then eventually the fistula. God provided everything financially for us. My Tita Edna, my father’s older sister shouldered all the surgery and dialysis. D.A., got a job just in time to help pay for the bills at home and the medicines. But God’s provision for my family is not only financially, He also meets our emotional, mental and spiritual needs .When my Dad had his initial dialysis in Bataan; my Tito Lito, my father’s younger brother took care of my father. My father’s real friends are always there to visit, encourage and pray for my father. One of our boarders at home , Aileen, always accompanies my father to his dialysis sessions; since I and my two brothers cannot go with him because of work. If Aileen can’t make it, Boyet, my wonderful boyfriend would go with my father. Boyet helps me run the house with its chores like helping me with my groceries, going to the market and even preparing meals. He has been the source of my strength during this trying time. He pushed me to go farther every time I want to give up. My choir mates, specially Ate Debbie , always pray, offer mass and encourage me through this trial in life.
Family matters. Through this trial, my father was able to repair his broken relationship with my lolo. I get to appreciate the kindness and concern not only of my Lolo but also that of my Tita Edna and Tito Lito. My father’s sickness brought the Rodulfo clan together especially now that we are preparing for Papa’s transplant.
Trust. The Lord is teaching me to trust Him; that no matter how everything seems to be in chaos, He is still in control. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with the situation that I cannot think straight, but through the grace of God, we were lead to the right hospital, dialysis center and doctors. God gave us the right people to work with. Four months have passed and all the work ups were done, we are in the process of waiting for the schedule of the transplant. As I looked back, I can only smile and say to myself that whatever it is we have gone through was not really that hard because God was with us.
Soli Deo Gloria
(This post was meant to be posted last February, but I was to busy to do so. My father had a successful kidney transplantation last March, my brother Paul is back to work and I’ll post another blog about what transpired during the operation. I am grateful to God for all His wonderful blessings! )