Thursday, June 01, 2006

Coming To Terms With The Past

I am terrified everytime my lovedones have to travel or be away for days without me. There is that feeling of anxiety brought by the thought that they are not close by. What if something happens to them when I am not around? What if it would be the last time I get to see them.

This issue became much evident last year when Yet had to go to Japan. I was not in peace for days. It was only after a month when he came home from his trip that I was able to really sleep well. The same thing happened when he left for Japan again last April. I thought that this trip won't be as difficult as before. But unfortunately it was still hard for me.

I was confounded by my emotions. I know you get sad when someone special to you have to be away for sometime but this sadness is mixed with fear and worry that my lovedone won't be coming back.

Don't get me wrong I do not limit where my lovedones go, I actually support them in all their endeavors. It just that I am bothered by the way I feel everytime they have to leave me.

And then it finally occured to me where all these emotions were coming from.

I am not yet over with my mother's death.

My Mama fought cancer for four years and during her battle with the big C, it never dawned on me that she was going to lose. Her death was untimely at 42 years old.

Even if I have my Mom for seventeen years , I know that we were able to establish a wonderful relationship.
My Mama was not only a mother but she was my bestfriend, my mentor, my ally, my staunch defender, my inspiration, my everything. We were able to do all the things we wanted to do in that short span of time of being together. I was able to show and tell her how much I love her when she was still with me.

My Mother's last words to me were " I love you, " and my last words to her were " I love you too. " Then she closed her eyes, slept and passed away serenely to the next life.

Being the eldest, I have to be strong for my siblings at that time. Paul was only fourteen years old and D.A. was only eleven when Mom went to be with the Lord. At the time, it was okey for my brothers to express their grief and to cry before me. I encouraged it so that I can comfort them. But I on the other hand , buried all my pain and sorrow deep down.

I now realized where these emotions are coming from. I am so fearful of their having to leave because I don't want to experience the sense of loss I have ten years ago. I do not want to lose any of my lovedones again.

It is so liberating to write this peace.

Liberating because I now acknowledge why I feel the way I feel everytime someone close to me have to leave and be in a place without me. With the acknowledgment comes understanding. And with understanding comes.....healing.

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