Thursday, October 21, 2004

On death....and missing my mom

While having a small group discussion in class last week, my classmates strayed from the topic and started talking about the late Rio Diaz Cojuangco.

Suddenly, I feel uneasy, would I join the conversation or would I just remain silent and pretend I'm not interested

They were exchanging feelings - how one classmate cried upon hearing the news, how another was extremely sudden about it and how the other took the news. They were also talking about how one can get cancer.

Unable to continue with my indifeerence, I finally had to say my piece.

My mother died of breast cancer eight years ago. I was just thirteen when she was diagnosed for it. She had a radical mastectomy of her left breast and after that operation were series of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and other treatments. For four years she was in and out of the hospital - for check-ups, another operation when the cancer cells spread to her left arm lymphnodes and when the cancer cells methasthesize to her lungs, doctors had to drain blood and water from her lungs almost on a weekly basis.

After telling my story, my classmate asked me "Buti, di ka naiiyak?"

Why should I cry? At least my mom's agony is over. Right? But my not crying does not mean I'm not hurting or I'm not sad.

Saying the story is somehow therapeutic for me - it helps me come to term with her death and the sadness that comes with it.

I miss my mother so much. I miss the things we do together and I miss the thought of my mom worrying about how her daughter is doing. Most days, I don't think about my mom because that will make me longed for her more. It will just make me wished she's still here to see me when I get married, have kids of my own and succeed in my chosen profession.

I know its comforting to think that from a far she can still see me and what I'm doing. And I believe she does see me. But I still want her physical presence, to be able to hear her, to talk to her and to have her hold me. I know its impossible - just wishful thinking.

And how did I take Rio 's death? I was sad.....extremely sad.....for her kids. Because I know that even if years may passed, one's longing for one's mother will never end. And when someone leaves you, they will leave a empty hole in your heart that no one can ever fill up.

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